Silver Linings

I've been dreading writing this post, but this blog is a document of our lives. I knew that I would get around to it, eventually, when I was ready.  My friend sent me this blog post (yes, I ripped off her title) that expressed so many of the same feelings and emotions that I have been experiencing that it inspired me to write this post... So here it goes.....

This might come as a surprise to some of you but for the past 12 weeks I have been pregnant. I went in for my 12 week appointment (the day before we left for Baltimore) and the Dr. was unable to find the baby's heartbeat. Unfortunately, I have been in this situation before so I knew what was going to come next. A whole ton of varying emotions, amongst many other things.

Sister, Asher and I went to Baltimore for the weekend. The family did not known that I was pregnant (I had intended to tell them in person that weekend with a Big Brother t-shirt I purchased for Asher to wear).

I am thankful that they didn't know, because it allowed me a weekend away, full of distraction without the pity from the people who love me the most (and as a result hurt the most when I am hurting too). Not that there is ever an ideal time for a miscarriage but finding out less than 24 hours before I was about to spend the weekend with sister was pretty good timing. I felt badly leaving Nick all alone over the weekend, but had I been home I would have been in bed, fetal position, crying all weekend long until Monday rolled around. Instead I actually had an enjoyable weekend that kept me busy, occupied, numb, distracted and out of my own head (most of the time).

Monday came quickly and Nick took me in for the procedure (D&C) to take care of what my body/nature did not take care of on its own. It's not horribly painful physically, but emotionally it's brutal. It's a loss, regardless how you look at it.

I went through all of the emotions. Sadness, anger, grief, sorrow(and even the slightest sense of relief). Sister came back to town to spend time with me and help with Asher as I recovered both emotionally and physically. I love Nick more than words can say but there is just this comfort that I get from being with sister that I just can't explain. I think that her mere presence that weekend in Baltimore and the days following really helped me to work through this quicker.

Having experienced this once before does not make it any easier. What does make it easier is having a perfectly perfect little boy to be thankful for and to focus all my energy and attention on. I am generally a negative person but in this situation (god only knows how) I have been able to find so many silver linings to our situation. Almost daily there is something that happens that would otherwise not have happened had I still been pregnant. That's not to say that I don't think about it and get sad every day, because I have my moments, but I am choosing to focus on the good in my life and saving every last ounce of energy for the other two men who (almost always) make me smile. Plus I am able to find comfort knowing that we now have two little angel babies always looking over us.

"Life is not the way it’s supposed to be. It’s the way it is. The way you deal with it is what makes the difference." -Virginia Satir