I have put off writing this post in hopes that I would just be able to deal with the adjustment and not have to actually document it, but no such luck. So before you read any further be warned that this is my pity party and the constant battle between my brain and my heart.
So it's been about three weeks since I have been back in the office five days a week. I expected the transition would get easier with time, but it's actually the complete opposite...it's getting harder. I am fortunate enough to have mostly family watching Asher during the day but that doesn't make it any easier. Our family day to day dynamic has 100% completely changed; (and I don't like it). I used to feel guilty that Asher was not getting ALL of my attention during the day, and now what I wouldn't give to be able to have that guilty feeling again.
Now I have an entirely different guilt. Now, I get to spend about 4 hours a day with him and they are all structured hours. 2 in the morning where he gets up, has a bottle and eats breakfast while I get myself ready for work and his stuff ready for the day, and then about two in the evening when I get home and again it's dinner, bath and bed time. Sometimes we have time to take a walk or play for a little bit, but that's in exchange for not having dinner started or not putting away laundry or not doing something else that needs to get done around the house. Its hard to have such limited time with him , its hard to know that he is going on walks, to the park, running errands, and all without ME. I miss the times when I could just look over and see him quietly playing on his own. I miss being able to give him all his bottles, and put him down for his naps. I miss seeing that little head lift up when he hears the door open after a nap, I miss getting him dressed for the day, I miss EVERYTHING about our old situation. It's funny how you never truly appreciate what you have until you no longer have it.
I try to be positive and see the silver lining. He gets to spend time with both his grandmothers and one of his aunts. He's getting more interaction than I could give him while working from home. He doesn't spend every day inside the house. And for me, I get some more adult interaction and collaboration at the office, while I still have the flexibility to leave the office between 4-5 so that I can get in a little extra time with him.
BUT
At the end of the day I sill feel like I am missing so much, I feel like there is not enough time to get it all done, I feel like other people are raising my child and I can feel the difference in Asher too. He is Oh.So.Happy to see me at the end I the day, which is absolutely heart melting, but he is also much more clingy, more needy, not as independent and does not want to be put down once he is in my arms (unless its to eat or take a bath)
I know that millions of women have careers and children, and that I am in no way the minority, but for me I think that having the ability to work from home for 6 months really spoiled me and so now, I know exactly how much of he day to day that I am missing by not being around.
Weekends are the same but different. We do our fun stuff as a family, but I see Saturday and Sunday as my Asher days and want to soak in every minute with him. I want to bring him on every errand (even if it would be easier without him). I don't want to make plans or do things for myself (eye brow wax, shopping for new jeans, etc.) because I just want to be with him. At the same time, now I have to use the weekends to try and be prepared for the week ahead. It's just a different dynamic and one that I am not thrilled about. I'm doing my best to cope with it because whether I like it or not, this is the current situation and I know that I should focus on the positive and just enjoy all the time I DO get to spend with him, but my brain and my heart are not exactly in the same place on this one. And Sunday evenings are always the hardest knowing we have another week ahead of us before I get to spend 2 full days with my baby.
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